My lil sister

My dog passed away yesterday night. I thought that all the visits to the vet would prolong her life a bit longer. But the cold hard fact hit me when symptoms of aging starts showing on her. She could barely walk and eat. She was fragile, like a piece of glass. I was recalling how things started to go downhill when she started visiting the vet more and more frequently. It was the ear infection, skin, the other ear, then a tumor and eventually another one in her nose. I was helpless standing beside my dog when she moaned in agony and pain. There was nothing we could do but to watch her time slowly slipping away. I knew she couldn't pull through the night. My sister was sitting beside her and crying already. I regretted not staying by her side until her last breathe. I had to sit on the couch due to my injured leg. She moaned for the last time and I rushed to the kitchen. I looked at her body and there wasn't any contraction and expansion at all. The kind of things you do when you wish to see if someone is breathing. I was stunned. I just stared blankly at my dog and sister while my brother and my parents came rushing out of their rooms.  She was gone. The dog whom we adopted 15 years ago was gone. Do you know how long 15 years is? It was practically my whole childhood. The ups and downs. My first relationship, my first award, my first glory, my first drinking experience, my first time being someone's inspiration and lastly my first surgery. This dog has been with me almost my whole life. My tears just rolled down my cheek. My whole family was crowding around this sixth member of our family. I kneeled down despite my injured leg to touch her, pat her before she became cold. It felt like she was still alive because of the remaining warmth in her body. I gave her a kiss on her forehead before I stood up again, hoping that she could kiss me back like how she always does. My siblings and I could not really sleep very well. I lied on my bed and my brother suddenly tapped me telling me she is going to be sent for cremation in a while. It was morning already. I rushed out of my room and spend the last few moments with her. Her body was cold and hard. The feeling sucked really bad. Soon the person came to collect her body for cremation. My siblings and I were just crying non stop to see her being "packed up". The feeling was so lousy, so destructible to the heart and soul. Soon the person took off and everyone was just stoned. It felt like we lost everything we had. Someone whom we love in common. Someone who runs up to you whenever you come back home. My brother and sister collected her ashes during evening and now it is sitting on top of the television. It is so hard not to miss her. A moth flew in a few hours ago. I think that was her. She dropped by to visit her family. I hope she feels more carefree now, with all the pain gone. 

If I still have a chance, I will bring her for a jog and buy all the food that she loves to eat. I really regretted not spending more time with her when she was livelier, younger and happier. Somehow my surgery was a blessing in disguise. It allowed me to be able to stay at home to rest and accompany this old dog of mine. 

I love you Girl Girl. Hope that you're happily eating nice food in Heaven now. 

I miss you. 

1998-16/03/2013 

Life at this very moment

~

This is the first time I’m updating my tumblr via my daily thoughts/happenings/feelings.
“Do what you need to do, for you will never know when you might not have the ability to”
I suddenly felt the importance of my legs. I’ve promised myself to run a half marathon or a marathon if my surgery is successful. Many people told me that i’ll be fine. But I take this whole surgery shit rather seriously. It’s my first after all. Who know things may turn out otherwise? Pardon me for being pessimistic.
Thank God for everyday when you’re awake.

Song of the day - Scream & Shout. That’s what I pretty much wish to do now.